This is the army.
It's learning how to be a soldier...
and how to be much more.
It's cold streams that chill your bones...
and a hot meal to warm you up.
It's softball and low bridges.
It's a hundred ways to prove yourself.
If you'd like to be part of it...
call this number toll free.
That's my philosophy. A hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of boots.
Yes, sir.
I don't think I've ever been this happy. Huh?
- Thank you so much. - Thank you.
I got a nice, warm cab right here.
You sure?
- Let's go. He said it. - Hey, come on, man.
Thanks for the ride, pal.
Shit!
I thought that was a dog around your neck.
It that's humor, don't bother.
I want to be taken to the airport, and be very carefuI with the bags.
Don't scratch them.
Allow me.
Thank you.
Would you be carefuI with those!
Madam, perhaps you'd like to eat your luggage.
I'm in a hurry.
Oh! Oh, my balls.
Good morning.
This is basic English.
My name is Russell Ziskey...
and I'm gonna be your instructor for the next five weeks.
I want you to call me Russell and I'm going to call you by your first names...
because I would have a pretty tough time pronouncing some of your last names.
Okay, I know you're anxious to jump right in and start speaking English...
but there are just a couple of things I need to know first because...
I've never done this before.
How many of you would say you speak English well, but with some difficulty?
A little English?
You speak some English?
Son of bitch. Shit.
I've never gone this way before.
I'm sure there's a lot of ways I've gone that you haven't.
What is your name?
John Ringer? What kind of a name is Ringer?
Winger. I'm adopted.
I spent most of my life in institutions.
Doesn't surprise me. You look like a typical lowlife character to me.
Actually, I'm a photographer. I took this job because I love people.
There's nothing that I enjoy more than meeting someone like yourself...
and getting to know you, then taking a few action photos of you while I drive.
Stop! Turn around! Watch the road! Stop with the pictures!
Thank you so much.
Aren't you going too fast?
No, it's not the speed really so much.
I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.
Oh, my!
- We're going to be killed! - Oh, no!
- Keep on the wheel and slow down! - Not killed!
You should have your license taken away.
I am going to write your name down...
and see that it's given to the proper authorities.
You're a bum!
And that's all you'll ever be, a bum!
Well, that hurts, ma'am.
And I don't think I want to take your abuse.
I know I don't want to take you and your luggage to the airport. How 'bout that?
Hey, move that cab, buddy!
You can't stop in the middle of a bridge!
Would you get back in the car!
That's really very good. I'd like to try one more time...
and then we'll call it a day.
I met her on a Monday and my heart stood still
Da doo run run run Da doo run run
Somebody told me that her name was Jill
Da doo run run run Da doo run run
Okay, great, great. We'll see you next week.
We'll learn some new tunes. We'll have a great time.
- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
One of these days everything that I want's gonna be mine
But if it ain't that it'll be all right
As long as there's sunshine
And a big old brew
That's my car!
- Hey, man! - Instant Finance.
You're late on the payments, pal.
It's me.
- John, is that you? - No.
Did you remember to get my dress?
Yeah.
Hi, baby. You're home a little early, aren't you?
- Yeah. - How was your day?
Fine.
I got your pizza too.
I had a real bad day.
Yeah. I bet you did.
I quit my job.
I just can't take this anymore.
I know. I gotta straighten out.
- This is ridiculous. - Right.
That's what you said last week.
How much can you straighten out in one week?
It hasn't been a week, John. It's been six months.
And nothing's changed.
You sleep in till noon, then you watch Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Then you drive your cab, what, a couple hours?
You come home, you order out food...
and then you play those stupid Tito Puente albums until 2:00 in the morning!
Tito Puente is gonna be dead, and you're gonna say...
"I've been listening to him for years and I think he's fabulous."
Then you watch movies until dawn, and then you come to bed with me.
You don't think that takes energy? You're a sexual dynamo.
Most guys couldn't even handle you.
I've been reading books on the outside so I can keep up with you.
It's not funny.
You're going nowhere, John.
It's just not that cute anymore.
It's a little cute.
Come on. I'm part of a lost and restless generation.
You want me to run for the senate?
I don't know what I want.
I just know that I don't want you.
So, the basic problem is that I'm still around?
Where's that sharp knife we have? Anita!
I need you.
Come on.
I knew that wasn't gonna sound good.
No, it's not gonna work. I like you, but I need something more.
I need somebody who's gonna develop with me and grow. Good-bye.
Who could grow more than me? Talk about massive potential for growth...
I am the little acorn that becomes the oak.
You can't go! All the plants are gonna die!
And then depression set in.
Go away.
Hi.
What's the matter with you?
Nothing.
Nice shot.
Need a little help.
Can I take your last beer?
We'll split it.
I've had an interesting morning.
In the last two hours...
I've lost my job, my apartment...
my car and my girlfriend.
You still have your health.
Hey. Yes, thank you. Toss that up here.
Yo. Here we are, my man.
All right, come to papa. Toss that thing. Let's go.
Geez.
Thank you.
The army can make you feel a lot of ways:
tired, challenged, trained.
This doesn't look bad.
What, the army?
You're kidding.
I've always thought about joining the army.
Bullshit. You're not the type.
What do you mean I'm not the type?
I've seen the kind of guys that enlist in the army.
I saw them when I was working on unemployment. They're like us.
Except they're not as sophisticated.
Yeah, they're not as old either.
I bet you can't do five push-ups.
Five push-ups?
I got three dollars says I can do tive push-ups.
Okay, let's go. Five good ones. Come on.
- Not marine push-ups. - Simple push-ups.
I've never heard bones creak like that.
That's none.
- I'm praying. - You ought to.
Let's go. There's a time limit here.
He's almost set. He's eyeing that rug.
And that's one. All right. He's off.
He's moving. That's two.
Not that good though.
That's three.
I think you're ready for the Special Olympics.
That's three.
- That's four. - Four.
I was testing you.
And here goes five? Will he do it?
Congratulations. You just doubled your money.
I gotta get in shape.
I gotta dry out, or I'll be dead before I'm 30.
The army's my only chance.
You could join a monastery.
Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?
- Never. - So much for the monastery.
You comin' in?
Hey, this is a loading zone. You can't park here.
We're not parking it. We're abandoning it.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Listen, if I get killed, my blood is on your hands.
- Just don't get it on my shoes, okay? - Hello.
I'm not saying that the army will be able to do for you what it did for me.
All I'm saying is you get out of it exactly what you put into it.
Now, sometimes the army's your best shot.
There's some questions I have to ask. They're a little personal.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor?
That's robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing?
- Convicted? - Yeah.
- No. - Never convicted.
That's good.
Are either of you homosexuals?
You mean like flaming or--
Well, it's a standard question we have to ask.
We're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.
Would they send us someplace special?
I guess that's no on both.
All right, now if you'll just give Uncle Sam your autograph here.
"Sammy, get well soon."
That's good. Now your name.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
I was wondering if you, uh--
Are you, uh, you know, holding?
No, man, I'm not.
Well, I was wondering if you could hold something for me.
Are you smuggling furs or something?
Drugs.
Excuse me. General Hansen?
No, I'm not a general, but may I help you?
Yes. I want to thank you for saving my life over in Vietnam.
- I don't think that was me. - You're right. It was Normandy Beach.
I was shot up pretty bad.
You grabbed me, pulled me into a foxhole and patched me up. I appreciate it.
I don't think so and don't care and don't have the time.
- See this arm band? MP. - Yes, ma'am.
Stands for military police. Are you on one of these buses?
Not yet, ma'am.
My job is to see that big, strong men like you...
get on these buses without getting lost.
So why don't you just move along and get on the bus.
Could you check him off?
You know, there's a strip search before you get on the bus.
- Really? - Yeah. Be careful, man.
So, I guess we dig each other...
and we'll be seeing each other around the officers' club?
Watch out for this guy. He's a troublemaker.
- Do you have your papers? - Yes. Here.
What happens if I refuse to get on the bus?
You look like a sensitive, intelligent guy.
Don't make me shoot you.
Climb aboard, soldier.
- What do you think? - I hope we don't go to war.
Excuse me, stewardess. Is there a movie on this flight?
Bus.
Inside. Off the bus.
Off the bus. Right on inside.
Move it out.
Sergeant Hulka.
Yes, sir?
At ease, Sergeant.
I'm Captain Stillman, the new company commander.
Pleased to meet you, sir.
Fine-looking group of men, wouldn't you say so?
I hope this is the mess hall.
How's it going, Eisenhower?
Yes, sir, a fine-looking bunch ot men.
Yes, well. Get 'em inside.
Carry on, I guess.
I'll be in my office if you need me.
Yes, sir.
Have that removed, corporal.
Men, welcome to the United States Army.
I'm Sergeant Hulka.
I'm your drill sergeant.
Before we proceed any further...
we gotta get something straight.
Your mamas are not here to take care of you now.
It's just you, me and Uncle Sam.
And before I leave you...
you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.
Uncle Hulka?
When I tell you to move...
you'll move fast.
When I tell you to jump...
you're gonna say, "How high?"
And make no mistake.
I don't care where you come from, what color you are...
how smart you are, how dumb you are 'cause I'm gonna teach all of you...
how to eat, sleep...
walk, taIk, shoot, shit like a United States soldier.
- Understand? - Yes, sir.
I didn't hear you.
Yes, sir.
You don't say sir to me. I'm a sergeant. I work for a living.
- Yes, sergeant. - I didn't hear you.
Now that's what I wanna hear.
You think this guy's overdoing it a bit?
You got a problem, boy?
No problem, Sergeant.
On your feet, boy.
What's your problem, boy?
I was just making a joke, Sergeant.
Why don't you tell me your joke?
I don't think you'd think it's funny, sir. Sergeant.
How do you know?
I got a hell of a sense of humor. Ain't I, Corporal Briggs?
Yes, Sergeant!
We have a comedian in our midst.
Will you take this comedian outside...
and watch him do 50 push-ups.
Get your goat-smelling ass out of here!
Move it!
Hut, ho, hut!
Anybody else want to be a comedian in here?
- No, Sergeant. - I didn't hear you!
Hare Krishna
Shut up! Shut up, will you!
- I didn't mean it. - How come yours is so long?
Fifteen and a half.
Thirty three.
Forty two.
- Thirty seven. - Thirty seven?
Step down. Grab your papers.
These are thirty-fours and they're loose.
I gotta live with thirty seven?
Sir, I'm very sorry about what happened at the meeting.
I certainly meant no offense by it. It won't happen again.
Keep it moving! Let's go!
Think he bought it?
Boxer or jockey?
You got something in a low-rise bikini? Mesh, if possible?
So, where you from, Tex?
Don't you ever touch me again, ever.
This is pretty sweet. Free clothing.
Look at this stuff. Chicks in New York paying top dollar for this garbage.
How 'bout that lunch? What was that brown stuff?
All right, men, fall in alongside this roadway in a column of two.
Fall in!
Move it!
Hi.
You know something, soldier. I've noticed you're always last.
I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.
Sorry.
Left, face!
Left, right, left, right.
You stand in place.
Forward, march!
Hey, we're walkin'.
There she was just a walkin' down the street singin'
Doo wah ditty ditty dum ditty doo
Popping her fingers and shuffling her feet singin'
Doo wah ditty ditty dum ditty doo
- She looked good - She looked good
- She looked fine - She looked fine
She looked good, she looked fine and I nearly lost my mind
Before I knew it she was walkin' next to me singin'
Holdin' my hand just as natural as can be singin'
My name's Howard J. Turkstra. I'm from Kansas City.
My hobbies are fast cars and fast women.
'Cause that's why guys in my car club call me "The Cruiser."
Should call him "The Dork."
Knock it off.
Go ahead.
I joined the army 'cause my father and my brother were in the army.
I thought I better join before I got drafted.
Son, there ain't no draft no more.
There was one?
What a jerk!
Next.
The name's Francis Soyer.
But everybody calls me "Psycho."
Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you.
You just made the list, buddy.
And I don't like nobody touchin' my stuff!
So just keep your meat hooks off.
If I catch any of you guys in my stuft, I'll kill you.
Also, I don't like nobody touchin' me.
Now, any of you homos...
touch me, and I'll kill you.
Lighten up, Francis.
You're all in this together.
One of these men may save your life one day, understand?
Then again, maybe one of us won't.
- You, go ahead. - Me?
Yeah.
My name's Dewey Oxberger.
My friends call me "Ox."
You might have noticed I've got a slight weight problem.
- No! - Yeah, I do.
Anyway, I went to this doctor.
He told me I swallowed a lot of aggression...
along with a lot of pizzas.
I'm basically a shy person.
I'm a shy guy and...
he suggested taking one of these aggression training courses.
You know, these aggression training courses like EST, those type of things.
Anyway, it costs 400 bucks to join this thing.
Well, I didn't have the money.
And I thought to myself, "Join the army.
It's free."
So, I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds.
And you got, what, a six-to-eight week training program here, a real tough one?
Which is perfect for me.
I'm gonna walk out of here a lean, mean, fightin' machine.
- Good thinkin', Ox. Real good. - It is.
Ziskey.
I've always been kind of a pacifist.
When I was a kid my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger...
unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it."
I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make...
but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into real heavy combat...
I'll be right behind you guys every step of the way.
Okay, Mr. Push-Ups. Let's hear your story.
Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear...
and when I do it's usually something unusual.
But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you.
It's not just the uniform.
It's the stories that you tell.
So much fun and imagination.
Lee Harvey...
you are a madman.
When you stole that cow...
and your friends tried to make it with the cow.
I want to party with you, cowboy.
The two of us together, forget it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon.
An army without leaders is like a foot...
without a big toe.
And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be there to be that big toe for us.
I think that we owe a big round of applause...
to our newest, bestest buddy...
and big toe...
Sergeant Hulka.
Well, okay, hotshot.
We'll see what kind of soldier you are.
Reveille is 0500.
We're gonna fall out with locker boxes...
and we're gonna have a locker box inspection.
And then we're gonna do ten miles, rain or shine.
So you better hit them bunks, my little babies...
or Hulka with the big toe's gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.
Out of them bunks!
We got a full day ahead of us.
We're gonna start out with a five-mile run.
I know I'm speaking for the entire platoon when I say...
this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested.
Well, I'll tell you what, soldier. Let's make it ten miles.
Any more complaints?
Thanks a lot, Winger!
Nice going, asshole.
You're making friends fast around here.
Oh, my-- Oh, my God! Mama!
Captain Stillman.
Major Ellis would like you to look over these interim reports, Captain, sir.
Interim reports! That's all I ever do around here.
I want some action!
Hold that, corporal.
Oh, look at those men.
Are those my men, corporal?
No, sir. Those are Captain Benton's men, sir.
Well, where are my men?
Let's see. Sergeant Hulka is on the confidence course.
Sergeant Crocker is on the mortar range.
Terrific. Corporal, bring up the Jeep.
Yes, sir.
Grenade!
Go get 'em!
Those are damn fine men. Are they in my company?
No, sir. Oh, here come your men now, sir.
Hit it!
Stand up when I'm stickin' you, boy!
Get down and gimme 50, mother!
Come on! I'll walk on your ass, boy! I was killing--
Fitteen, sixteen, seventeen--
Twenty seven, twenty eight--
Fall out!
- Fall in! - Hey, Sergeant, it's raining.
Sergeant, I think it's a bad idea to march today.
You know, this is the cold and flu season.
Fifty one, Fifty two--
- When's the good part, John? - This is the good part.
Get your butt down, soldier. You'll get it shot off someday. Move it!
Pick a service Pick a challenge
Set yourself apart
Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines
What a great day
It's a great way to start
Oh, God, look at that.
Wash off the soap. That's right. Wash it off.
Look at that. Bend over. Drop the soap.
Look at her tits. Oh, good. Oh, God, I wish I was a loofah.
Look at that! That's--
Those muscles.
Oh, I didn't know they could do that.
Excuse me, Captain.
I don't want to be disturbed.
- Yes, sir? - Colonel Glass to see you, sir.
I can see that, corporal. Dismissed.
Oh, it's a pleasure to see you, sir. Welcome to Fort Arnold.
- Let's skip the bullshit, Captain. - Yes, sir.
I've got a problem, and I need your help.
You've heard of the EM-50 project?
Yes, sir. It's a tank or something.
- It's an urban-assault vehicle. - Of course.
The Pentagon wants to unveil it for the news media next month in Italy.
What General Barnicke wants from you...
is a real crack platoon of new recruits to man the EM-50.
Real go-getters.
We'll have them photographed puttin' the 50 through its paces.
Our newest soldiers with our latest weapon-- that kind of thing.
Yes, sir. You can count on me, sir.
You screw this up...
and I'll have you assigned to a weather station above the Arctic Circle.
- You got that? - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Good.
Attention!
- I'm gonna fold. - Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, I'm still in. Cruise, how about you?
Maybe I should fold.
Well, let me see. Let me see first.
No, not with a hand like that. Come on.
Dare me. Go on, bluff me. Come on.
How much should I bet?
If it were me, I'd bet everything.
But that's me. I'm an aggressive gambler. Mr. Vegas.
Come on. Go for it.
Yes, yes, there we go. I'm in.
- What do you got? - I got a full house.
Three threes and two sixes, that's a full house. What have you got?
- I got a four, I got an ace. - You got an eight, an ace and a seven.
Well, you lose. lf you would have had four fours, you would have won.
- You're getting good. - Starting to get the hang of it.
Isn't this fun? You're pretty good for a first time, really.
Attention!
Fall in for muster. Move it!
Ten-hut!
It's come to my attention...
that several members of the Third Platoon Bravo Company...
left this military post without permission.
I wanna know who it was.
You can tell me now...
or I got ways of finding out myself.
Okay, mister...
you just got yourself 24 hours of scrubbin' garbage cans.
Step back!
Now, since nobody else has got the guts...
to admit it...
the rest of this platoon...
will do the next two weekends on KP.
How's that sound to you, mister?
I think it sucks.
It's time you and me had a private talk.
Step into my office.
I'm gettin' the idea that you don't like me.
Maybe I just don't know you well enough, sarge.
What do you say let's cut out the bullshit between you and me.
- Oh, let's. - I think you're a punk.
I've been in this army 28 years.
I've seen your kind come and go.
You think you know something about everything, don't you?
Let me tell you something, mister.
You don't know a damn thing about soldiering.
It's real tough stuff. Especially that marching-in-a-straight-line business.
I ain't talkin' about that crap! I'm talkin' about somethin' important...
like discipline, duty and honor and courage, and you ain't got none of it.
Those words mean so much to a man who scrubs garbage cans.
Look, if you don't want me in your army, kick me out, but get off my back.
Maybe you'd like to, uh, take a swing at me.
I'd like to take a big swing at you, sarge.
Well, go ahead and give it your best shot.
I don't think I wanna go to the stockade.
I'll take my hat off.
There we are.
Ain't no more drill sergeant.
It's just you and me, kid, man-to-man.
So go ahead and give it your best shot.
Swing at me.
Gutless.
Punk.
I'm willing to forget about this little incident.
And I want you to think reaI hard about it.
And maybe someday you'll understand what the hell I'm talkin' about.
No, don't stop.
I'll still respect you.
I'll respect you even more.
Just use more whipped cream.
I just had the weirdest dream.
If I call Anita, she has to pick me up at the train, right?
I go back into an apartment.
I see if I can get my cab job back.
Where are you going? You going AWOL?
- No, I'm deserting. - You idiot!
You desert now, it's a federal offense.
- Come on. - I'll take my chances with the feds.
Get up. Come on. You're not going anywhere.
Now listen to me. You're gonna finish basic training...
keep your mouth shut and do everything he tells you.
- You know why? - Why?
Because you talked me into this, that's why, you idiot! It was your idea!
I didn't talk you into this. You needed this.
I'm gonna kill you! Damn you!
Where's the great pay? Where's the travel?
Where's the Winnebago? Goddamn it! Shit!
This isn't what you think.
No, we're just good friends.
In the Jeep.
Come on. Let's go.
I was going to the laundry, get my uniform.
Save it for later.
Okay, guys, you're home. Get out.
You're not gonna report this or anything, are you?
I'm gonna treat it like a UFO sighting.
I saw something, but I'm not quite sure what it was.
Thank you.
Oh, good-bye.
Move it! Do it!
Go on, boy.
We got women can climb that thing better than you. Get up! Get on your feet!
Hit it!
He said he couldn't make it. Why don't you do it?
Take one step back.
Move it!
All right, soldier, let's see how you fire that mortar.
- What coordinates, sir? - Coordinates?
Yes, sir. They determine where the mortar's--
Soldier, the army has spent a lot of money teaching you how to fire that.
Now set it and fire it.
- We don't know where the shell's gonna-- - The only way to learn is to do it!
Now fire the weapon.
All right!
Any of you suckholes want to come up here and knock me off?
Oh, shit.
Incoming!
Sergeant, does this mean we're through for the day?
Save your strength, Sarge.
Get him off! Get him off!
No stragglers. Now come on.
We owe it to Sergeant Hulka to end up face down in the gutter tonight.
Hey, baby, want to come to my place?
Where were you two blocks ago when we could've used you?
Come on. Don't waste it.
All right, we're here! Come on.
It's the Pom Pom. lt's world famous.
This might be fun.
Hi.
Oh, amazing.
I used to wrestle. There's no tables.
- Here's a table. Excuse me. - Sounds good.
You wrestled, huh? Nice seats.
Give me a kick, honey.
Oh, parted my hair.
Okay, girls, go get 'em!
We're gonna start the bidding.
I'm not gonna accept anything less than $100.
The bidding has gotta start. Now give me 100.
- You gotta do it for us, Ox. - I can't.
- You said you used to wrestle. - I used to lose a lot.
But these are girls. They're weak and soft.
150!
160!
175 now! 175 here!
180!
- It doesn't seem fair. - Fair?
Who cares about fair? The world isn't fair! Truth isn't fair!
Is it fair that you were born like this? No!
They're not expecting someone in there like you. They're expecting some clown.
You're different. You're weird. You're a mutant. You're a killer!
You're a trained killer!
You're a lean, mean, fightin' machine!
I'll do it!
- All right. Give me your money. - 413 bucks!
My man. My big man here is gonna do it all for us...
for 413 dollars...
- And 58 cents. - and 58 cents!
I'll take that!
Ladies and gentlemen, the big event you've been waiting for.
A three-round match, five minute time limit, one pin only.
And during this match there will be absolutely no biting.
Ow!
And no pulling on the nose.
Hey, do something about this, ref! What kind of place you runnin' here?
And no kicking, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, my God! To your neutral corners and we will begin the match!
Hey, wait a minute! Hey!
Hey, just a second here!
Oh! Oh, geez! Now you done it.
Beat the shit out of 'em, Ox!
- You hit me! I'm a girl! - I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hit you!
That's my man out there! My champ! Now stop it!
Behind you! She's not even in the fight.
Cut that out.
You get in here. Come on.
I'm a gentleman. Now stop it.